The one about the Christmas letter

It’s that magical time of year when children write letters to Santa with enthusiasm and hope. I decided to write my own letter to someone with magic behind them but a different name.

I thought “wouldn’t it be cool if adults did the same thing”.  If they could find that magic and write a letter to their spouse for them to open on Christmas morning.  A love letter… a Christmas letter.  I challenge you to do the same.

My dearest husband,

You have given me so many years of happiness, love, inspiration, laughter and I feel like I have fallen short in telling you how important you are in my life.

I’m not much of a talker and I don’t share my feelings but putting them down on paper gives me a sense of relief.  So I will share the magic you have shared with me.

You probably don’t know that every second of my day I think of you. From when I open my eyes once I awake to the moment I fall asleep at night.  Crazy how one person can play such a huge roll in your life.

I think of little things…the shape of your fingers and hands and how mine fit so well inside. The shape of your finger nails.  From the hair on your arms and the lines on your face, the way you walk or how your tongue slips out your mouth when you are in deep concentration.  How you are able to role your tongue and flare your nostrils.  Every time you catch me staring at you, you flare your nostrils with a toothless grin.  Then follow that up with a head turn and a loud “what?”  My response is a laugh and “you’re so sexy”.  Your head tilt, sigh and the all too common eye roll happens every time.

Your witty one liners and your sound effects. No one can “crack a whip” quite like you.  It made me so happy when I could make you laugh as usually you are the one laughing AT me.  We really are one person…so much alike and could never imagine one without the other. There are so many things I want to say to you.  So many things….

Why have we spent so much time not telling each other “I love you”. With all those silly little things people deal with each day, they get in the way of just stopping and holding tight with a hug.  You don’t know that I keep your cologne in the fridge so it will last through the years…I smell it every day.  It puts a knot in my throat because it brings so many thoughts of you.  I miss your smell so this is a comfort to me.  It is like I’m actually hugging you in real life, like you are right in front of me.

It’s crazy to think that it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other in person, a little over a year. What hurts the most is knowing  I’ll never see you again in my lifetime.  I know I’ll never touch you or hug you but as I remember the magic you once gave me, I will do my best to think of that when I am at my deepest level of sadness.  I have so much regret and anger but there is so much to live for and in a way, I will try to find the life you lost when you died and add it to what I have left in myself.

How can I feel so alone and have so much love in my heart? I guess that is the magic you left me. I don’t love you like I used to…I love you more.  In death, I have been shown true love.  I have been shown deep, unending love that rips me apart.  It does exist.  I just wish you still did.

I will continue to honor you and your name until my last breath on earth.

Merry Christmas to you, Peter

May you and your dad stay out of Santas way as he is flying high and always keep your stick on the ice!

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