“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”
Accepting the things I cannot change is what I am fighting with. I am not even ready to accept the shit I am trudging through right now but I have no choice. Tomorrow, August 3 will be 9 months of hell and I am starting to figure some shit out. I haven’t experienced any serenity of acceptance or courage to change and I definitely do not have any wisdom to know where the hell my life is going during this completely different path but I do understand some of the reasons why I am doing what I am doing.
During all of this I have heard the phrase “you are so strong”. I honestly don’t know how to take that phrase. I certainly am not strong and do not feel strong. No one sees me in my true self at home and I have no desire to do so as it is my place of healing. It is where I allow myself to lose control and deal with the grief. Telling me that I am strong feels like an untrue statement. It feels so far from the truth.
But I can honestly say I know one statement that is true. One that may offend others but I have no care in the world if that happens as right now, I will do whatever I can to allow me to open my eyes for another day.
I do not feel strong. I do not feel the word STRONG represents how I am feeling BUT I know what I am ……..
I. AM. NOT. A. PUSSY
I will force myself to get through what I need to because I am not a pussy (Another day without him).
I will dig deep every day to get through a work day because I am not a pussy (I need to make others better).
I will make my children laugh and give them the best childhood possible because I am not a pussy (I cannot let them down again).
I will take care of myself physically because I am not a pussy (If my husband can no longer run, I will run for him).
I will wipe myself up after every shitty moment because I am not a pussy (embracing the tears).
I will share my weakest moments to help others because I am not a pussy (Learn from my mistakes).
I will open my heart in writing when I cannot do it in person because I am not a pussy (Ignore what I write, or not…it’s your choice).
I will never be strong. I will never accept my husbands death. I will never have enough courage to face my future alone. I will never have the wisdom to know what I need to know but I do know that I am not a pussy and as harsh as that sounds, right now it’s the one thing helping me face the days ahead.
Sometimes a negative term can bring positive outcomes. Embrace it and roll with it and wear it on a tshirt! #notapussy