Time seems to fly just as fast when you aren’t having fun. Clothes on the floor seem to stay there longer than originally intended. Somehow you end up on the same side of an empty bed.
Isn’t it interesting to see how your life turns out, after life.
Navigating through each day yet you aren’t fully present in any of them. That is life, after life!
What does that even mean?
Life… the life path you were supposed to follow and what you thought was going to happen. Then something…something happens. Something really bad happens. Something so life altering that it completely destroys your path, something so drastic that it rips everything you know into little tiny pieces that make no sense at all. It becomes a different Life that you cannot recognize. A second life with a bunch of puzzle pieces that you have no idea how to put back together. It’s kind of like a fake life. You are watching yourself just to see what your next move will be. How you will handle the next task and will you be OK with your daily company that ends up being…just You.
For anyone who has experienced a life altering moment, I’m fairly certain you can agree that everything has become … different. A life… after life.
I have spent the past 3 years in some form of time capsule. Time has passed around me but I’ve been living in one day, in one circumstance, in one thought process that has been impossible to find my way out. I have come to the realization that I need to find change but I haven’t established what that is just yet. I do know that I have learned a ton but just where that takes me, I have no clue.
I have learned an entirely clearer meaning of mental health. I’ve drawn away from people and have become more comfortable being alone. Not because I don’t want to be around others but because it becomes much safer and less anxious spending time in my own company. No need for small talk. No need to feel bad for feeling sad. No need to pretend just to make others feel comfortable. It’s just easier being alone. Plus, it is preparing you for a life after life of being alone.
LESSON LEARNED: Always be prepared! Boy scout your way through your second life.
I have learned that little stress becomes big stress. Big stress becomes bad stress. Decision making becomes impossible. Maintaining some level of creativity and organization decreases and small tasks feel like Mt. Everest hurdles. What we cannot see impacts us more on the inside and disrupts every ounce of our being.
LESSON LEARNED: Don’t climb Mount Everest. That is one big mother fucker!
I have learned that being bombarded daily with remembering what once was and daydreaming about better days takes its toll. Trying everything in your power to put a smile on your face and raise your chin so others will think “you got this” is exhausting. But, as each day passes, you continue the feeling that you will never be happy again and that you will just have to manage each day until the last one arrives. You start to set yourself up to accept that THAT is the rest of your life after life.
LESSON LEARNED: Comedy movies aren’t as good as they used to be.
I have learned that you cannot rely on anyone other than yourself. There are too many things that we need to know to succeed as a human being. From mechanical failures to power tools to changing a tire. When you are alone, every job becomes your job.
LESSON LEARNED: Why the fuck didn’t my parents teach me to use power tools as a kid!
I have learned that life is much harder than society makes it out to be. People are scared to fail. Humans are scared to talk about their struggles. Everyone wants others to think they are successful and living their days without a care in the world. Mistakes are what teach us lessons and my biggest lesson was death. Something so final yet it accelerated my path of learning more than I had in my previous life.
LESSON LEARNED: Buy the right toilet! Big mistake if not. No one wants to push their poop into the bowl so it flushes.
I have learned that we only truly understand the word LOVE after death. The word is thrown around with not much meaning at all. Everyone loves everyone and everything. It has a much deeper meaning for me. Something I don’t think I will ever experience again in my life after life. What I had has destroyed me of ever wanting to feel it again because you cannot replace yet you cannot duplicate something so strong. I married someone who is no longer on this earth. He will be the only man I ever marry. Just let it be.
LESSON LEARNED: When you fart around each other, follow it up with “you’re welcome”. Because that’s true love right there!
I have learned that your struggles are your own. No one will understand. They cannot walk in your shoes or feel your emotions. No one will understand your rationale. No one will appreciate your views and no one will come close to recognizing your struggles. Once you accept each and every struggle as normal and a way of your new life, only then will you feel free and be gentle on yourself. It’s OK to be sad. It’s OK to be scared. It’s OK to be apprehensive. As long as you know you’ll feel a bit better once you move through that emotion. It will pass, repeat and shall pass again. Always be prepared for the repeat.
LESSON LEARNED: Unless you’ve tried to pull off a wet sports bra! If so, you get the struggle!
I have learned that self help is bullshit. I am over trying to self help myself and being left feeling like a failure because I cannot write 3 things I’m thankful for or I cannot make it through a Yoga class. I am tired of feeling like this is all easy to do and it’s the only way to make things better. All the fuzzy self help quotes, all the make yourself better books, all the habit changing tasks can kiss my ass. Fact is, they ARE HARD for some people! And those people shouldn’t be made to feel like they are a failure because they struggle with such things. Self help is ANYTHING you do that makes you smile. If it’s a run? If it’s a coffee? If it’s sleep? If it’s doing nothing at all. You fail when you let OTHERS make you think you have failed!
LESSON LEARNED: Lets be real, I don’t do Yoga.
I have learned that others may frown upon the timeline you keep. You may be expected to “get on with life” and appreciate each day. That you should be thankful for what you aren’t missing. I have come to terms that it comes down to the amount of love. Something a timeline cannot be placed on.
LESSON LEARNED: What timeline?!
I have learned that if only society would speak more about their struggles and failures, we all could help each other so much more. We could help ourselves because we wouldn’t be afraid to offend or afraid to turn people away. What if we all were receptive to listening to someone’s problems without expecting them to “get over it”.
LESSON LEARNED: Saying the “F” word makes it better.
As negative as this all may sound, it’s real. It helps to share the learning process through grief. As time moves forward, people become desensitized to struggles they witness. Yes, happiness is the key to life but allowing someone to own their sadness and grief is the only way for them to find a new level of happiness.